This blog will save your life and pee your pants

Hyper Bully may have inspired Zach to choke Screech, and Slater is delighted.

I started this blog, my first ever, late last year. It might have been the most worthless decision I’ve ever made.

There are literally hundreds of millions of blogs on the Internet, and each is as insignificant as mine. What is the point of having one? The odds of someone even accidentally stumbling across this website are horrible.

Yet somehow, people still seem to find little ol’ Hyper Bully.

WordPress provides site analytics that show you how readers come to your blog, including which search terms they use to get there. It’s pretty amusing to skim the list and then wonder why in the world certain words turned up a blog about a whole lot of nothing. (If anything, it makes me realize that my first 11 posts were filled with idiotic ramblings.)

Here are some of the most bizarre search terms that steered people to my site. These are all 100 percent real.

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• Teen wetting diaper
• Boy wets bed
• Wearing a diaper at a sleepover
• 1974 diaper
• Teen nappy wet boy
• Pee boy
  (For the record, one blog post included the sentences, “I’m going to start a game where everyone has a sleepover at your house and wets the bed,” “[I]nfants will no longer be allowed to wear diapers” and “If you negatively affect my moviegoing experience, I will pee on you.”)
• Choke someone
• Bradley Cooper high school nerd
• What is a hyper bully?
• Matando a Cupido
  (Spanish for “killing Cupid”)
• Happy VD Day
• Wife got mad about Valentine’s Day gift – her fault or mine?
• I dislike you
• I really dislike you
• I extremely dislike you
• Names that will get your kid’s ass kicked
• Baby that looks like a goblin
• Kid ass
• Best boy names
  (Good thing my wife and I already picked the best one ever.)
• Frank vowels
  (As compared to unforthcoming vowels?)
• Red Sox
  (I hope the person who found my blog using these Satanic words immediately fell off a cliff.)
• The best poop eating movies ever
  (I can’t say I’ve ever written about one, let alone seen one.)
• Will movies destroy me someday?
• Movies to make my girlfriend love me more
• The Godfather killed my brain
• Michael Cera should die
  (Preaching to the choir, brother.)
• Short people smell funny
• My wife takes too long in the grocery store
• I think my wife is a vampire. Help?

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As you can tell, this blog is an invaluable resource for people who want to read about urine, lousy marital advice, upsetting your wife on Valentine’s Day and movies about poop that will destroy your brain.

I better start writing my acceptance speech for the 2012 Humanitarian Award. Until next time, folks.

Brace yourselves, you mongrels

I like to make definitive statements. More than that, I like to make outlandish definitive statements as a way to bolster an opinion. It’s a simple concept, really. For example, just add the words “since Hitler” to any sentence, and a bland conversation becomes memorable.

Try this on for size:

“My boss is the world’s biggest douche bag.”
“My boss is the world’s biggest douche bag since Hitler.”

A discussion is undeniably more intriguing when a parallel is drawn to the 20^th century’s most vile human. Pick your spots, though, because it’s not a foolproof strategy:

“Kanye West is the world’s most overrated rapper.”
“Kanye West is the world’s most overrated rapper since Hitler.”

Nevertheless, you get the point. Everyone in the world is trying to say something, but very rarely is anyone heard. And because I’m not prone to speaking loudly, I prefer to make my outlandish points known through the written word.

It takes a certain amount of narcissism to start a blog and thrust your views on an Internet community that, undoubtedly, doesn’t at all care what you have to say. Notice I said “you.” You are an idiot. I am here to make fun of you, and the universe will love me for it.

This blog will be a forum for astute observations of the world and all its heathens, my perspective on movies (new and old), the occasional thought on sports and whatever else comes to mind. Revolutionary concept, right?

The difference between my blog and the countless others like it is that I have Ryan Gosling-like charm and Chevy Chase-like wit. That combination will attract readers like no blog ever has.

Some even say I’m the best writer since Hitler.