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Brace yourselves, you mongrels

I like to make definitive statements. More than that, I like to make outlandish definitive statements as a way to bolster an opinion. It’s a simple concept, really. For example, just add the words “since Hitler” to any sentence, and a bland conversation becomes memorable.

Try this on for size:

“My boss is the world’s biggest douche bag.”
“My boss is the world’s biggest douche bag since Hitler.”

A discussion is undeniably more intriguing when a parallel is drawn to the 20th century’s most vile human. Pick your spots, though, because it’s not a foolproof strategy:

“Kanye West is the world’s most overrated rapper.”
“Kanye West is the world’s most overrated rapper since Hitler.”

Nevertheless, you get the point. Everyone in the world is trying to say something, but very rarely is anyone heard. And because I’m not prone to speaking loudly, I prefer to make my outlandish points known through the written word.

It takes a certain amount of narcissism to start a blog and thrust your views on an Internet community that, undoubtedly, doesn’t at all care what you have to say. Notice I said “you.” You are an idiot. I am here to make fun of you, and the universe will love me for it.

This blog will be a forum for astute observations of the world and all its heathens, my perspective on movies (new and old), the occasional thought on sports and whatever else comes to mind. Revolutionary concept, right?

The difference between my blog and the countless others like it is that I have Ryan Gosling-like charm and Chevy Chase-like wit. That combination will attract readers like no blog ever has.

Some even say I’m the best writer since Hitler.

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13 Comments Post a comment
  1. Brilliant idea. How dare you steal it from me.

    November 26, 2011
  2. The last idea of yours that I stole was to eat all the Lucky Charms cereal bits first, leaving me with a bowl full of marshmallows. And I’ve been dominating the world ever since.

    November 26, 2011
  3. Joey Dunne #

    Da Beeta, I’ll have Pepsi.

    November 27, 2011
  4. Emily #

    as of right now, i’m pretty proud to be related to you.

    November 27, 2011
    • I will bring shame to the family very soon, I’m sure.

      November 27, 2011
  5. Matt Randle #

    awesome…you have to be one of my favorite writers…since Hitler…be prepared for this blog to get the Matt Randle bump, which should net you 1 more reader

    November 27, 2011
    • The Matt Randle Bump sounds like something herpes-related. But I know you’re too good of a guy for all that nonsense. I appreciate the shout-out!

      November 27, 2011
  6. Tyler, as your one time Editor I completely agree…you are the best writer since Hitler.

    November 27, 2011
    • You are too kind, Amy. The Mountain Shadows is where my reign of terror began. I am forever indebted.

      November 27, 2011
      • Jeff Gardner #

        I still refer to you as “My Editor” in casual conversation. That’s normal, right?

        November 29, 2011
        • It’s not so much normal as it is mandatory. I demand respect.

          November 29, 2011
      • Jeff Gardner #

        I notice that you have comment moderation enabled on this blog. Still holding me back, I see…

        November 29, 2011
  7. It’s a necessary precaution, Jeff. You’re just not ready to share your opinions with the world unless I’ve reshaped them for you. It’s a strategy that has worked wonders for my marriage, too.

    November 29, 2011

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