A guide to laughing on the Internet

This is what humiliation looks like: The other night I was with a group of people, including one woman who is due to have a baby next week. As we all gathered to leave, I put my hand in the air to give the pregnant lady a high five. (After all, high fives keep the hope alive.)

My hand was maybe two feet from her face and near her line of vision. Even Ray Charles could’ve seen my hand, and he’s blind and dead. But she didn’t see it and kept talking to someone else. So I put it down, waited for a pause in conversation, and then tried again.

Nothing.

The pathetic scene made my wife incredibly happy. She was the only one who noticed my high five failures, but she laughed enough for the other seven billion people on Earth. She literally laughed the entire drive home — and not just a chuckle, but eight minutes of loud, continuous, tear-evoking laughter, the kind that’s typically reserved for a Chris Rock stand-up special.

That is what it means to truly laugh. In an age where so many of us prefer to type on a telephone instead of speak into one, our ability to laugh out loud has been replaced by a few overused letters — and you probably aren’t even laughing when you type them. I know this because I’m guilty of it, too.

Because a sizable portion of my conversations take place via text message or on the Internet, not only am I not laughing as much, but my text responses probably mislead you into believing you’re funnier than you actually are.

So if you ever want to know how truly funny your comments are on Facebook or text message, simply use this guide. It supplies all the answers you need and pulls back the curtain on a society that thinks laughter is optional:

Ha. I acknowledge the fact that you just made a joke.

Ha! Your comment made me chuckle.

Haha. Not funny at all.

Hahaha. You made me laugh and gave me reason to believe that you might be a funny person in general.

Hahahahahaha! You either said something very funny or so stupid that I’m laughing at how much of an embarrassment you are to your family.

Ahahhahaa! That was so funny I temporarily forgot how to spell.

Bwahahahahaha! You said something so hilarious that I just typed a sound that no one in human history has ever actually made.

LOL! I am 13 years old and I think everything is funny.

LOLZZZZZZ: I am brain dead. Please help.

ROFL! I’m a member of a message board community and I spend so much of my day typing words on this forum that I had to abbreviate this phrase, which no one has ever said aloud.

LMAO! I don’t know how to properly communicate with humans, so I type this all the time, even when something isn’t even remotely funny or intended to be funny.

Heh heh heh… I think this is funny, and I might also have a history as a sexual predator.

A word from the wise: Take a break from all the texting and empty, heartless hahahas and go actually speak to someone. You’ll be a happier person, and it’s much nicer to tell someone to their face that they should never attempt humor again.