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A list of people who are trying to kill you

Hey, kid. Wanna know what heaven looks like?

The world is filled with fearmongers, people who will have you believe that terrorists and criminals sit next to us on the bus or stand behind us in line at the grocery store.

But I can’t live with that much mistrust in my life, so — to paraphrase Rudyard Kipling — I prefer to believe the best in everyone.

There are a few major exceptions, though.

The following types of people are the scum of the Earth and are actively trying to kill you. You’ve been warned:

Adults who no longer like kids’ cereals: At what age do you murder your own soul and decide that you dislike Lucky Charms or Cookie Crisp? If you don’t want to start your day with a bowl full of mini chocolate chip cookies, then you don’t deserve happiness. Worse than that, you thrive on being unhappy, and you want to see other people suffer.

If you see someone sleeping like this, the world might soon explode.

People who can fall asleep anytime, anywhere: Think about it like this: If the world were about to end, what would you do? Call your loved ones? Say a prayer? Not me. I’d take a nap. That way, when the meteor hits Earth, I’m dreamin’ about Cookie Crisp and won’t feel a thing. People who can fall asleep at will are aware of this, and they are hardwired to know when Armageddon is coming. So every time I see someone just randomly nod off, I run to the nearest bomb shelter. You should, too.

People who don’t drink water with their meals: How is it possible that someone eats an entire meal without drinking liquids? My wife does this three times a day, and it’s completely unnatural. If you don’t drink something, you will choke. If you choke, you can’t breathe. Clearly, people who don’t drink with their meals cannot breathe and are lifeless zombies who should be destroyed.

People who don’t own a VCR: If you grew up before the year 2000, you had your home movies filmed on a VHS cassette tape. But most of you don’t own VCRs anymore, which means you don’t want any part of your past and obviously have something to hide. How many puppies did you kill in the third grade, jerkface? God sees your sins.

People who have no idea what a cassette tape is: I’m looking at you, youth of America. You have no redeeming qualities, and this is Exhibit A.

People who don’t wear socks with their shoes: Women do this with slip-on shoes in the dead of winter, willing to let their feet freeze as part of a fashion statement. Men do it with loafers in the summer and let pools of sweat gather under their toes. If you don’t wear socks with your shoes, something is clearly wrong with your brain and you’d probably shank me if you had the chance.

Guys who wear skinny jeans: ‘Cause anyone who walks out of the house looking that ridiculous doesn’t give a f*** about anything.

“Look, Dolores. This is where we’re gonna drop the nukes!”

Elderly ladies: They all smell the same. It’s a good smell, but it’s like they belong to a secret society in which they share the same lotions, perfumes and detergents. And those items are all filled with chemicals. So let’s add it up: A group of women no one would suspect of any wrongdoing + a secret society + chemical agents = the world’s most dangerous terrorist group. But, hey, at least the bombs they drop will smell like lavender.

People who don’t like movies: Even at their worst, movies provide a nice escape from the everyday rigors of life. People who don’t like movies obviously revel in life’s misery and want to be best friends with Satan.

People who don’t like dogs: There is not a single redeeming quality about someone who doesn’t like dogs. You can be more of a “cat person,” but if you don’t like dogs, then you’re on a bullet train to hell.

People who eat mushrooms: Let’s ignore for a moment that they grow in poop. Just kidding, because it’s impossible to ignore the fact that mushrooms grow in poop. If I gave you a T-bone steak and said, “This was created in a big pile of manure,” would you still eat it? If so, you’re probably a murderer.

12 Comments Post a comment
  1. Your wife and brother can both fall asleep anywhere, anytime.

    April 17, 2012
    • No wonder why I always feel like I’m about to die when I’m with you.

      April 17, 2012
  2. Matt Randle #

    Wow – two of those apply to me – I hate myself a little right now – I gave up my vcr & love mushrooms – so I guess my opinion that you are the poet of our generation is for nothing – I am completly untrustworthy and so is anything I think – In fact I dont trust what I just typed – oh well – I will go watch a movie and eat some cookie crisp to make myself feel better

    April 17, 2012
    • I’ll make an exception for you, Matt, because no one on Earth is as trustworthy as you. It’s not your fault that your mom probably brainwashed you and made you eat mushrooms as a kid. The VCR thing is inexcusable, though…

      April 17, 2012
  3. Tarron #

    I am also actively trying to kill you……. with kindness that is Tyler old buddy, by the way gonna go with an I for today.

    April 17, 2012
    • How can I get an I when I clearly did something today? Go all or nothing with the S or the U.

      April 17, 2012
  4. tigreblancko #

    The only useful purpose for mushrooms is to use them to fill the shoes of the sockless. As for the lavender odor of grandmas, I cohabit with one and she claims that it still beats the smell of my toilet cake shower soap…oh well

    April 18, 2012
    • And you’re afraid to argue with Grandma, aren’t you? That’s because you know she and her posse will someday destroy the planet.

      April 18, 2012
  5. tigreblanco #

    blue hair will inherit the earth

    April 18, 2012
  6. Shit. I am four of these things, and will some day be five. Referring to the title, does this mean that I am trying to kill MYSELF?

    April 29, 2012
    • Yes, it means that you likely will kill yourself but only after killing Ian and others in your path of ridiculousness. Enjoy the journey!

      April 29, 2012

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