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Why vegetarians hate the world

One of the best skills you can attain in life is learning how to wisely choose your words while saying something that, for all intents and purposes, disparages another person. It’s what I call The But Rule.

Here’s an example of it:

“I’m sorry I set all your clothes on fire, BUT you shouldn’t have insulted me for wearing ‘Smurfs’ pajamas.”

You aren’t really that sorry if the last words out of your mouth place blame on the other person, right?

Here’s the better tactic:

“You ruined my day by eating all the Fruity Pebbles, BUT I’m sorry I responded by calling the police and falsely reporting you for animal cruelty.”

Always finish the conversation with an attempt to smooth things over. It works in a variety of situations and can help you successfully navigate a tricky scenario. Best of all, it allows you to air your grievance while also showing that you see things from their perspective. Win-win, yeah?

Today, I’m going to apply The But Rule to talk about vegetarians and why they are such miserable people who are perpetually angry at the world. (This is mostly tongue-in-cheek, but allow me to proceed, please…)

I ate at a quaint breakfast cafe in Eugene, Ore., last Friday, a locally owned eatery that oozes charm and has a lot of character. If you ignore the fact that everyone there hates you, it’s really an enjoyable place to eat your first meal of the day.

I’ve recently noticed a pattern of hatred at the vegetarian- and vegan-friendly places in my area. At first I thought I merely imagined it all, that I was dying a little inside and everyone around me was just sad to see me go and, therefore, became angry in their sadness. But that’s not the case.

The people (and I’m generalizing) who work at these restaurants have all the personality of a dead rabbit. They take your order and bring your food (tasks that — all kidding aside — I am truly grateful for) and treat you with as much indifference as is humanly possible.

Why is this the case? How come non-vegetarian restaurants are predominantly filled with servers and workers who, at least superficially, make you feel welcome? I don’t need to be treated like I’m a special boy on his birthday, but at least let me believe there’s some joy put into the crappy vegetarian food you’re making me.

And therein lies the problem. The food vegetarians eat is, for the most part, awful. They have subjected themselves to (or are sometimes forced to live) a life filled with unsatisfying meals. The most horrific example of what these people consume is tofu, which looks and tastes like a block of Play-Doh that missed the dye machine. It’s sad, really.

Nonetheless, I will continue to eat at these establishments filled with crabby employees because I can invariably find one or two items that appeal to me. And I’ll have even more compassion in my heart because I fully understand that the only reason they treat me like a festering turd is due to the fact that I enjoy the fine delicacies they will not or cannot.

In summary, vegetarians are grouchy, unpleasant people who are incredibly angry at the world for their horrible culinary preferences or their biological inability to eat good food, BUT it’s not always their fault and there are more pretty animals alive as a result of their unique eating habits.

The But Rule wins again.

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9 Comments Post a comment
  1. It should be noted that I like and respect vegetarians and vegans equally as much as all other people on the planet. Maybe I sense their anger because, if I were them (especially a vegan who ate no cheese), I would drive a car loaded with about-to-detonate bombs off the Golden Gate Bridge while setting myself on fire and impaling myself with a trident.

    November 28, 2011
  2. Plants are living things too.

    November 28, 2011
  3. Bridget #

    I will agree that there are those of my ilk that are angry at the world – we are the 1% after all and no one respects how hard we work to live the way we do. 😉

    I have a consideration for you, try substituting “and” for “but”. It’s a trick of the conflict resolution trade – we call them “and statements” and it helps soften the rebuttal. Give it a try and let me know your thoughts.

    November 28, 2011
    • I like that, Bridget. I’ll give it a spin. (College advisers are the gift that keeps on giving.)

      November 28, 2011
  4. Chuckles McCoy #

    I’m sorry you don’t like our food, Mr. Bully, BUT I’d still like to smash your face in. Does that work?
    I think it is also important to note that I’m a pacifist, AND my face-smashing techniques have been primed for this moment by smashing all those water chestnuts into my morning cardone-kale smoothie. Water chestnuts are quite similar to faces.

    November 28, 2011
    • A cardone-kale smoothie? That sounds like a car part that was flattened by a train.

      Someone who drinks car parts for breakfast is actually pretty intimidating, so please don’t smash my face, Chuckles.

      November 28, 2011
  5. John #

    I have noticed that hatred, too. Eating is a chore, best got over with and without a lot of fanfare. You peruse the menu, and they are impatient because you seem to assume one choice might be better than any other choice. “Ummm, what is in the Tofu casserole?” And they just look at you, sullenly, and exhale a sigh that says, “Well it’s not meat. I don’t understand your question.”

    November 29, 2011
  6. Chip #

    I think you’re wrong about vegetarians. I think you’re probably right that we’re not the most social people, but not for the reasons you think.

    Vegetarians are often intellectual people who don’t mind excluding themselves from the crowd for the sake of their principles. They’re not the sort of people who go along to get along. They’re genuine to a fault and have a hard time faking it, even if it would be advantageous to their job if they did. We do, however, love our food.

    December 2, 2011

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